Monday, February 28, 2005

YAY! Weatherman lied!!!!

I won't miss it either. Well, it is pretty, but so are annoying girls...and in the end, they're still annoying.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Uncultured Right

This uncultured, retard has never heard of Chris Rock, yes, Chris Rock, the actor/comedian, he's never heard of him.

Wow.

ToeJam & Earl

Back in the day when I was a wee lad in middle school I used to love toejam & earl, it was the best game evar. Two hip aliens cruisin in their "Rapmaster Rocket Ship" crash land on Earth and had to find all the parts to rebuild the said Rapmaster rocket ship to return to Funkotron. You cannot get any better than that.

People would get in their way, like the boogeyman, hola dancers, or an Earth-shattering opera singer.

Or sometimes they'd catch themselves on the edge of a cliff, or God forbid, fall off one.

And I always loved the connection it had to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, in that to advance to the next level, you needed to locate a phonebooth.

This is making me want to awaken the Genesis from it's several year long hibernation and play it.

Constantine

Man, what was so bad about this movie? I heard so many bad things about it, that Keanu Reeves has another "Neo" role, that he can't act, that the movie is stupid. All of which are entirely untrue. Well, maybe somewhat untrue, Keanu Reeves does tend to overact sometimes, but he's still a decent actor. What surprised me the most is that in the film Keanu Reeves actually smokes. Sometimes actors will "pretend smoke", but he wasn't, I never knew he was a smoker...

ANYWAY, "Constantine" is a very entertaining film. It's got a real good x-files presence to it, a great rendition of Hell and other afterlife folk, and some good comic relief from Shia LeBeouf. I also thought Tilda Swinton and Peter Stormare were brilliantly casted.

It's a very well made film, plus the main character never kisses the love interest in the movie. How many movies have that cliche? Tons.

Go see it, and when you do, stay to the very end. Past the credits.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Create-A-Bozzy!

Create a Lego character:

Lego Boz.jpg

thanks to michele

The Right Way to Archive in Movable Type

Having been on Movable Type for about 3 years now, I know how to do things. If you're just starting out, listen up.

The default way of archiving is pretty dumbassian (Yes, that's my new word. Get used to it.), it's just a sequential ID based on the last entry ID across all blogs. Hardly search engine friendly. What you need is to dirify! The Movable Type Manual mentions this, but it doesn't do much in the way showing how you can apply it. So I will.

Here's what you do:
Individual: /index.html
Daily:
Weekly: week_-.php
Monthly:
Category: /index.html


I know what you're thinking... He forgot to explain what this dirify thing does! That dumbass! Dirify converts all letters to lowercase and converts spaces to the underscore "_". I realize, I just smiled at you. Forgive me.

Then there's "trim_to" which is pretty self-explanatory unless you're in the special needs class. Hey, it's okay, that's why I'm here. It's pretty simple, the number value you give it, will trim the number of characters to that number of characters. Capeesh?

Well, that's about it, but as an added bonus, I'll tell you the right sites to ping, along with the default blo.gs, weblogs.com, and technorati.com:

http://rpc.blogrolling.com/pinger/
http://ping.weblogalot.com/rpc.php
http://api.my.yahoo.com/RPC2
http://xping.pubsub.com/ping/


Of course, if you want to ping everything manually, yet all at once, there's always Ping-o-matic.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Steak and BJ day is less than a month away

Good thing this year I know Steak and BJ day is not on the 20th...no confusion this year.

Yup, vanity blogging. Blogging the back posts.

Attention Target Shoppers

You all suck. It's fucking snowing. It's dark. The roads are icy and snowy. Can you give me one good reason why you need to rush to Target to shop? Maybe if you're going there to "shoot the shit" with someone you know, but even that's pretty dumbassian. You're a fucking moron. Do you not have cable? Do you not watch the weatherMAN on your local network affiliate? You knew it was snowing, but you just had to run to GreatlandTM to make that quick buy of Rubbermaid Water Coolers, because, oh yes, you gotta have your water cold, damnit!

What the fuck? That wasn't your reason? What's this, Timmy's stuck in the well you say your reason is that you're worried about being snowed in and not having milk, eggs, or bread? You've completely lost your mind.

Just the fact that you'd risk your life to stock up on "the essentials" when you could very well wait til TOMORROW, just goes to show that YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ALIVE. That's right, fucker. You don't need to be alive. If you cannot wait less than 10 hours and do your shopping in the morning when the roads are PASSABLE, then what the fuck are you doing breathing my air?

I know what're you're doing, you're fucking tailing me when I'm risking my life driving through the snow on a snowy evening. I know you're stupid and dumbassian, but I thought it was an intentional thing. Guess not, you're obviously mentally retarded, or unstable, one or the other.

Why was I outside driving, you say? I had to do a friend a favor. Because I'm there when my friends need me, I don't spend time driving to stores, endangering lives on the way, shopping for shit. No, that's not me. I'm not gay.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Anime is Retarded

It's Japanese for starters. And the characters are totally un-Asian. They have big, American eyes. It's like Michael Jackson turning white because he didn't like being black. The Japanese draw anime because they want to look like Americans.

Plus Anime is mostly full of hideous girlie laughs, high pitched screeches that could probably break every window in a 30 mile radius or at the very least kill a kitty.

It's okay to like anime if you're a thirteen year old girl, but any year after that, you're gonna need some serious psychiatrical help. Especially if you have a penis.

Anime is retarded. It's a stupid hobby. Find a better one.

That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!

I know, I don't normally quote Sinbad, but I pretty much have to with this.

Now, I am not surprised that somebody found my blog by searching google for "Kevin James naked", because I just posted a review of his new movie Hitch, and then I posted about Naked dining. No, I'm not surprised by all that. I'm surprised that someone out there, someone who lives on the same planet, in the same solar system, galaxy, universe, as I do, has a desire to see Kevin James naked.

That's how I justify quoting Sinbad.

Laveranues Coles is a Pussy

What a fucking chump, Laveranues Coles just came off a career best season with 90 catches, and he's being a whiney little brat and asking to be cut.

He better have no qualms about returning part of his signing bonus, but let the btich go. His name is too fucking hard to spell.

Buh-bye Coles, let the door hit you on your ass.

Get Art Monk in the Hall of Fame

The folks over at The Warpath have a petition to get Art Monk into the Hall of Fame.

Sign it. Even if you are not a Redskins fan, sign it. If you follow the NFL at all, you'd know that Art Monk deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Hunter S. Thompson killed himself.

No, really. He shot himself.

I'm at a loss for words, so I'll quote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas...
Raoul Duke: We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like:
Raoul Duke: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive.
Raoul Duke: Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full with what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming:
Raoul Duke: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals?
Dr. Gonzo: Did you say something?
Raoul Duke: Hm? Never mind. It's your turn to drive.
Raoul Duke: No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.
More quotes from Fear and Loathing


Man, this is fucked up. And to think, all he had to do was find some po-lice and point his gun at them...

RIP HST (1937-2005)

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Naked Dining

Can somebody tell me how this doesn't violate the restuarant's health policy?

It's in New York City. That explains everything, or at least 85%.

I don't think I could eat if I had to stare at somebody naked the whole time.

Friday, February 18, 2005

National Press Association

As soon as I can spend $85, I am joining the national press association and getting an ID which will give me access to tons of cool shit.

1. Obtain Press ID for the said price of $85
2. ???
3. Profit

Meet the Fockers and White Noise OR movies that I forgot to review

MEET THE FOCKERS
I wasn't expecting much. Ben Stiller should star in every movie. Seriously, I hate Ben Stiller. With a huge undying passion. He can't act. He does the same personality in every fucking movie. How is he still getting work? Put him on TV so he can be offically typecasted.

The only redeeming qualities about this movie are the interactions between Dustin Hoffman, Barbara Striesand, and Robert De Niro.

And the baby.

WHITE NOISE
Michael Keaton tries his best, but cannot save this from it's horribly written plot. The movie has no cohesion, it starts out as a good thriller, but then really goes off the deep end. Plus, EVP is not as simple as the movie makes it out to be. But that's okay I guess, horray for dramatic license.

Hitch

Did somebody I haven't done in quite some time. I saw a new movie. But I didn't pay. No, I'm still cheap. Luckily I have connections in high places. By connections I mean friends, but high, um....nevermind.

Anyway, Will Smith apparently took my advice! He didn't play a cop! He's very good in this, and he shows off his range. Kevin James adds a nice touch. Not really a big fan of Kevin James, never watched King of Queens more than a couple times, but he's a funny guy.

If you like funny movies, you should see "Hitch", it's on sound moral grounds too. Has an excellent message behind it.

EDIT: I mean something, not somebody. Where is my mind today!

Snowing without any clouds

Yesterday I was driving southbound on Route 29 (right before the Route 32 exit) and the next thing I see totally freaked me out. What could possibly freak _ME_ out?

Seeing millions of snowflakes, big snowflakes, falling to the ground, FROM NOTHING. The sky was about 85% clear. And the snow was coming from the south, and the clouds were on the north sky.

But thanks to good ol' technology and Al Gore, I now know that it's not that uncommon, and the world is not ending.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Everyone Loves Magical Trevor

Yes, because the tricks that he does are ever so clever...

Does size really matter?

Does size really matter?

So the average penis length is 6.16 inches.
The average girth is 4.84 inches.

More recent studies have produced the following results:
A sample of 60 men studied by researchers at the University of California at San Francisco determined that the average size of their erect penises was 5.1 inches long and 4.9 inches in girth. A Brazilian urologist who measured 150 men reported that the average size of their erections was 5.7 inches long and 4.7 inches in girth. More...


This will of course be followed by a "how big are you" thread, which in turn, will be followed by a "excuse me while i whip this out" picture compare thread. ;-)

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I dumped Sprint

Yeah, I sent that ugly skank packing. She was just too noncompliant, it's hard to live like that. So I dumped the bitch.

But that's only half of it, I was at the mall today and saw this total hottie there! Her name is Verizon! OMFG! Love at first sight!

Sprint can be pretty clingy, so be careful about getting into a relationship with her. She's a bitch too, did I mention that? She's trying to make me give her money for throwing her ass out on the street. Well, fuck that bitch!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A letter from God

Dear Internet Fellows,

Yes. I am God. I am Jesus, and I'm the Holy Ghost. When I'm in a room with my shoes off and two nuns, it's an orgy. Think tea time and Winnie the Pooh, and you'll need a very long rest. I took a rest once, and it did wonders. Why? Because I am God. You say God doesn't need sleep? Well you're fucking wrong. It's very tiring looking after all you simpletons, sometimes I just turn my back for a few millenia and play with my girlfriend.

Speaking of whom. She's so hot. She really wants my cock, yeah I'm old enough to be her great great grandfather, but so what, it doesn't matter, wanna fight about it? You can't beat me, you can only hope to contain me! Seriously dudes, I "pwn" all, using a word of your parlance. Godbless the girl. Hehe.

Crap, I got sidetracked, and you let it happen. Bozzy told me to get right down to business and instead I talked about my love interest, well, anyway, I will be periodically posting my thoughts on your lovely world through the medium of this website. You can thank Bozzy for allowing this to happen.

Well, I have to go now, the woman stopped washing the dishes, I have to go slap her ass. I'll be back later.

Toodles,

God


So there you have it, from the Big Man himself. If you have any questions for God, leave a message. God will respond to each and all of your questions. Just give him time, He can get overwhelmed too you know.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Dude, are you serious? That's awesome.


A: Dude are you serious?
B: I am so serious dude.
A: Dude, that's awesome.


Last night I went up to Reisterstown or Owings Mills (whatever the fuck it is, those cities are so damn close together) and had beer and pizza, watched some family guy, then harold and kumar, then bumfights, then porn, and it was bad, anal porn. Yuck. Fell asleep around 2:30 in the morning, woke up around 5 because Lily was snoring.

That's about all I want to say about that.

I guess I need to watch the TV more...

I know, what a thought, right? But apparently I missed a high-speed chase which occurred in Baltimore County on 695 and 795...Man, and I drive those a lot.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Upcrack.com

Some dude emailed me on Myspace.com to tell me about his site, and that's what I'm doing.

It seems pretty cool. Kinda like bumfights.com, only without all the legal trouble.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

The Next President

Here are the democratic options:

Hillary Clinton-- Yeah, because she wants to bang an intern too. Mostly for the attention though.
John Edwards-- Somebody tell him you have to be more than a prettyboi.
John Kerry--If at first you can't succeed... STAY IN THE SENATE, BITCH.
Al Gore--Same thing, except home.
Bill Richardson-- He's wants his 15 minute of fame like his wife Patricia had. (That was a Home Improvement reference, fuckers; embrace it)
Wes Clark-- I'M A GENERAL!!!!!
Evan Bayh-- No way, I'm tired of Joe Millionaire.

Here are the republican options:

Mitt Romney-- Strike that, reverse it; He already fucked his chances.
Bill Frisk-- If he becomes president, think of the interns he'll want to frisk.
John McCain-- Kinda old, but very possible, very cruel and unusual punishement possible.
Sam Brownback-- Who? He'll have to hire a marketing guru for his name.
Chuck Hagel-- It rhymes with 'bagel', that disqualifies him.
Newt Gingrich-- No.
Jeb! Bush-- *Bozzy just had a heart attack at this thought*
Condoleeza Rice-- If she runs, I'll commit hara-kiri, but not before I do Halle Berry on Harry Caray's grave.

Tip #57: Do not cut your balls off

The next tip:
Do not cut your balls off.

kthx

Let's break out the iTunes...

Yay! Another meme! I haven't done one in months!

10 random albums from my collection:
# Mindless Self Indulgence - Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy
You can't leave home with the MSI CD.
# Eminem - Encore
Mama had a baby and his head poppped off...
# Red Hot Chili Peppers - By the Way
They get better and better with every CD...I thought Californication couldn't be topped. What do I know. Every single track from their past 3 albums can sell a cd BY ITSELF. Throw away your television.
# Bowling for Soup - A hangover you don't deserve
Once you hear 1985 or Trucker Hat you will love this band.
# Green Day - American Idiot
I still cannot get enough BLVD of Broken Dreams...
# Ween - The Mollusk
I'm waving my dick in the wind. And it's a good song.
# Matt Nathanson - Beneath These Fireworks
A little on the pop side, but the songs are beautifully written and sung.
# Jim's Big Ego - Noplace like nowhere
I HAVE TO SEE THIS GUY LIVE!!!!
I'm addicted to stress that's the way I get things done, if I'm not under pressure than I sleep to long, and I hang around like a bum. I think I'm going nowhere, and that makes me nervous.
# Coldplay - A rush of blood to the head
Let's see, they used two songs to end two movies..."Clocks" ended Confidence and "The Scientist" ended Wicker Park. Love this band.
# Skitzo Calypso - The Shattering
You've probably never heard of this band from Bel Air, MD, but you should really download (AKA BUY) "Consent to you", it's fantastic.

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
# 1660 songs, 4.3 days, 6.29 gigabytes

The last CD you bought is:
# Greenday - American idiot.
Boulevard of Broken Dreams is my favorite track, but Jesus of Suburbia is really catching on...it's 9 minutes two, that song is broken into acts, WTF! It's a neat concept.

What is the song you last listened to before this message?
# Cake - No phone

Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:
# Creed (Hehe, just kidding)
# Supertramp - The Logical Song
# Red Hot Chili Peppers - Transcending
# Jim's Big Ego - The Music of You
# Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
# Cyndi Lauper - The goonies 'R' good enough

I know, Cyndi Lauper...what can I say, The Goonies really takes me back.

Who are you gonna pass this stick to?
I dunno, but stick passing sure is fun.

Robert L. Ehrlich Jr is an Asshole

Who's Robert L. Ehrlich Jr? The Governor of Maryland.
Why is Robert L. Ehrlich Jr an asshole? He surrounded himself by conniving little fucks who tried to smear Baltimore mayor Martin O'Malley out of the gubernational race before it even began. Martin O'Malley denounced all the rumors.

If you don't know, Martin O'Malley is expected to challenge Robert L. Ehrlich for Governor in 2006.

Now you can scream at me all you want til your face turns blue about Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich didn't know a damn thing about this rumor being spread, but that's a bunch of baloney. Yes, baloney! Of course the Governor wasn't the one making the rumors, that's what his staff members are for. And considering how bad Robert L. Ehrlich smeared Kathleen Kennedy Townsend in 2002, well, this is to be expected, it's his true character.

Still want more proof Robert L. Ehrlich is an ass?
Read it and weep,
Ehrlich said an apology was premature and denied any involvement in spreading the rumor. Do you want to know more?


An apology was premature? Excuse me, one of your aides fucking hurt one of your citizen's family, an apology is needed. I do not care if you did not know, you apologize anyway! Fucking douchebag.

Robert L. Ehrlich Jr is an asshole, just look at his picture, those beady little eyes... *shudder*

Tuesday, February 8, 2005

Quote of the day

And this goes for tomorrow...

"Let's find a prostitute and make fun of her life choices!"

Monday, February 7, 2005

I want to challenge your grandmother to a fight to the death.

Apparently, the list was not enough. People just did not quite understand the gravity of the situation: your grandmother is an elitist bitch who must be stopped at all costs.

Yes, that's right. She's an elitist. She just sits there, in that nursing home, or maybe in your attic, rocking back and forth, constantly plotting ways to be a bitch. You come in the room, she'll hassle you about trying her cookies. Look old hag, I don't want your cookies, I said no the first time you asked. Stop asking.

What's more is that your grandmother constantly references the sex she had with your grandfather. Not only is this disgusting, it too proves she's an elitist bitch. Most grandmothers would know better, they'd know that describing old timer sex is very disgusting to young people, but oh no, not your grandmother, she thinks she's oh so special. Fuck her, she's not special.

Your grandmother even makes the retards look bad. You know those retards, at that house down your street, sponsored by some stupid charitable organization who takes care of speds. Your grandmother is more annoying than them. Big time.

Face it, you're lucky if you were adopted and aren't related by blood to the grandmother you have, but that only means you don't have any bitch in you. Well, in all likelihood, you do, as 99.9% (margin of error +- .1%) of grandmothers are stupid cunts.

Have a nice day.

BTW, your brother smells.

-My Grandmother is awesome.

Speedtraps Gallore

Yesterday was just the beginning, I saw two speedtraps on Route 29. One with 4 Howard County cop cars, and the other with 3 state troopers, both of which the kind where the cop is outside his car and literally stands in front of you til you pull over. Luckily, I dodged both, but the second trap I could've been pulled over, if not for the car to my left, which was also speeding. Sucker.

Today is even worse. I have already seen 3 more traps. One on Phelps Luck Drive, Route 175, and Oakland Mills Road. I dodged those too. I have teh_skillz.

Whoever said there are no such things as quotas is full of crapola.

Sunday, February 6, 2005

God Hates Shrimp

Did you know that God hates shrimp? It's true!

Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

Saturday, February 5, 2005

In Soviet Russia, Boys Molest Michael

I had to say it.

Anyway, the trial has begun.

May the best child molester lose.

eHarmony...well that's what they call it.

Well, I finally checked out that eHarmony site. I was bored. It was inevitable. So I signed up and immediately get launched into this gigantically long questionnaire, at the end of which I am told that I cannot be matched with anybody.

*sigh*

eharmony.jpg

Note to Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney, do not even think about revealing your titty during the halftime show.

You think that people were shocked and awed at Janet's titty, what do you think will be the outcry if you expose one of your man boobs? It'll be a hard day's night, indeed. You can hey jude me all you want, it's the truth. And nobody will want to hold your hand or climb aboard your yellow submarine as they were appauled by Janet's titty coming out to say hello last year. They all but crucified her on a cross, do you think being a walrus will protect you? It won't, Sgt. Pepper. You'll be lonely and you won't even have your band.

If you're even thinking about whipping out your titty, you better let it be, or don't expect any help from anybody. Nobody will come together to save you, and you won't be able to buy their love, even if that is all you need.

Michele has a similar warning.

Thursday, February 3, 2005

Wow, I never even knew.

The NHL has been on strike for 141 days, while that is not news to you, it is to me, as I couldn't care less about hockey.

Way to go NHL, be the first major league sport to lose an entire season to a labor dispute. Wow.

Morons.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

The fucking gas prices

If you haven't noticed the gas prices are on the rise again. They range from 1.79 to 2.09 in my area, after the lower mark fell to 1.65 by November...

Why are gas prices going up? Well, the government is saying it's because of all you fuckers who heat your homes up to 75 degrees every damn day of the winter, and then there's the gas guzzling SUVs....

But that's a bunch of bullshit, and you know it.

Unless you have no memory at all, we still had winters and SUVs when Bill Clinton was President, and the upper echelon of gas prices topped out at about $1.30.

In other words, we are being priced gouged. Have a nice day. ^_^

STRAWBERRY! WTF!

I just reached into the drink fridge for some a nice bottle of Deer Park. I rip the cap off, gulp it down, and what do my taste buds taste? STRAWBERRY! Yes, strawberry! WTF!

Apparently somebody put a bottle of Fruit2O in the house to poison me or something.

Now, without sounding like a bad Denis Leary or Lewis Black special, WHEN I WANT WATER, I WANT WATER; NOT A CLEAR STRAWBERRY JUICE! God, is this too much to fucking ask?!

Look, I understand how some people like this shit, actually know I don't, but let's pretend I do, because it still doesn't explain WHY THEY MUST PUT IT IN SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A WATER BOTTLE!

Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Tip #56: Do not cut your penis off

*WARNING* NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

http://www.livejournal.com/community/tws_support/347374.html

DO NOT CLICK IF YOU ARE AT WORK!

It's fake though. But the thought of someone doing that is pretty scary.

Somebody wants to join my cult!

You would think that after months and years go by, that people would forget about your posts, but the sad truth is they don't. There's always people who come to each individual post, usually from Google, but sometimes from another site or blog, and they don't realize you've long forgotten that post about teh Y2K bug that'll prevent the Red Sox from ever winning a world series.

But I have not forgotten. Well, I did, but I remember now.

Hey this is Tally

and i was wanting to join your cult and i signed up i think 4 it.....so if you could email me back that would be great!


I like the idea of having a cult. But we need a name. I'm thinking "Cult of Boz", but surely you all can come up with something better? If you can't, I understand that you suck.

update
Oliver suggested 'bozzocks'. Not bad...

Squirrel Fishing!

Ever wanted to go fishing for squirrels? DON'T FUCKING LIE!

Double taxation of gift cards

Wowzers! I never realized this, and now it makes me mad.
Say you want to buy someone a $20 gift card in the state of MD (5% sales tax). It will cost you $21 for the gift card with tax. But when your friend goes to redeem it they will only be able to buy $19.05 worth of merchandise because the tax will kick it up to $20. Yes, that's right, both you and your friend are getting taxed on the same merchandise essentially. Unless you're into paying doubles taxes, give cash (or maybe one of those gift credit cards, but I'm not sure how that works or if there is sales tax involved). Of course if you live in Delaware, this doesn't apply to you as there is no sales tax, so buy all the gift cards you want. --Avram


Double taxation is teh_ghey, you can stick it up Condoleeza Rice's penis. Yes, you heard me correctly. Didn't know she had one? Live and learn, live and learn.